The Case of Feeling Homesick: Act II

When will it stop hurting... asking for a friend.

This is the unfolding case of a sensation I’ve been feeling, rare at first but has progressed stronger and more frequent over the course of my pregnancy. I call it “homesick” but only because I don’t have a clear understanding of what I’m feeling yet.

If you haven’t read the foundation of this case study, you’ll want to start by reading The Case of Feeling Homesick: Act I.

During this phase of exploration, I have noticed my willingness to observe the nuances of my thoughts and emotions more intently. I believe my focus on the subtleties is to blame for the sensation getting stronger, but I’m in the thick of it now and I’m determined to explore the unknown. In doing that, I have picked up on intuitive nudges and signs towards my persistent intention to learning more about this homesickness.

Note that my process of self exploration as described here is not linear. I use all the tools I’ve acquired in my toolbelt to come to certain conclusions, which comes with varying perspectives. You could consider this article as a brain dump.

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Could it be the pregnancy hormones? A trauma resurfacing? Well here’s a few of the intuitive thoughts I was able to discern as truth, adding to my theories in Act I:

Karmic Cycle

I recall intuition telling me this emotion is reasoned by a cycle I’ve went through before, one I don’t have to make my own anymore and to let it pass over time.

…not really sure what that points to, as it could still be interpreted in a number of ways.

Pain Body

The memory of my husband came to me, mentioning what the pain body was while I was going through my deepest depression in 2022. The intuitive nudges that followed went like this:

• “My thoughts are not my own” were on repeat in my head one night. Considering a lot of the thoughts I’m having are negative and counterproductive, it suggests that I don’t need to attach myself to said thoughts. My truest self is not suffering, but rather my body or other part of me is.

• I looked up the difference between the pain body and emotional body, wondering if there was a difference. In Adam Oakley's article titled, Pain Body - What It Is and How To Be Free, I learned that emotional pain is a result of the pain body feeding itself. Now this I haven’t heard of before when I looked up the pain body all that time ago! The guidance here helped walk me through the reason for this baggage and ways of freeing it. What stood out to me was that my pain body is not who I am but simply an energy that attaches itself when I identify with it. Of course! “My thoughts aren’t my own.” I guess being the experiencer of this feeling for so long led me to lose track of what thoughts were meant for me and what was just a byproduct. I recommend a quick read through for a deeper understanding of the pain body. 

• Further to this, it is my deep seated belief that I am capable of a  natural labour, requiring breath work, acceptance of the pain, and awareness of the present moment. All of which is mentioned in the article above  as a way of moving forward. I feel this offers some connection with my pregnancy and emotion.

Approaching the journey of pregnancy with unconditional love is an honour, weaving me into the fabric of creation, united with the universe's oneness.

So this very well may be a cycle that is nearing its end but still needs time to cycle through the body. As does any change in our human nature, especially when dealing with ancestral or generational trauma.

A visual representation of my emotions. Artwork by me, created December 2023. 

Renewing of the Mind

“Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God.” - Romans 12:2

I heard this scripture with new ears. It reminded me that it’s a choice to have a positive mindset each day. Right there, I decided to focus on being positive for the last month of my pregnancy. By making an effort every day to be positive, I would be reinforcing my thoughts to follow through - renewing my mind.

Although the feeling still comes and goes, I heard my thoughts be more positive in the days that followed. “It’s going to be ok,” I heard.

Homecoming

• I sense a strong connection between this feeling of homesickness and the impending birth of my baby. It struck me that she is my sanctuary, the home that I’m missing, and perhaps I am hers. Home is where the heart is, right?

• I also feel a part of me undergoing a death and transformation in anticipation of motherhood, a shared experience among first-time mothers, as I've been told.

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What can I do about it?

Despite receiving intuitive insights and finding excitement in exploring my truth, the pang of homesickness lingers. I find myself questioning the normalization of prenatal and postpartum depression. While it may be common, should we simply accept it as the norm? Feeling a sense of urgency for change, I'm compelled to explore new strategies to cope with this persistent feeling.

1) Distraction

Staying busy has been a helpful to pass the time, allowing me to divert my attention from negativity. I've been immersing myself in crafting handmade gifts for others, finding inspiration in the creative process. However, I would often find myself in the zone and forget to take care of myself, neglecting basic needs like eating and sleeping.

2) Sleep

Approaching the final weeks of pregnancy, I understood the value of rest, so whenever I felt overwhelmed by homesickness, I saw it as a signal to take a nap. While this provided some relief, it often felt like temporarily escaping from the emotional discomfort. I preferred to find a way to acknowledge and embrace the emotion without the pain, rather than avoiding it altogether.

I've also noticed a tendency to find comfort in snacks when I turned down a nap, although that doesn't always offer the comfort it once did.

3) Alignment

Since my previous approaches didn't feel quite right, I knew that balance was the key. Paying closer attention to my diet, hydration and sleep became a priority in my quest for equilibrium. Aligning with this intention has proven most effective thus far. By meeting my physical needs first, I allowed the flow of creative inspiration and introspection.

Artwork by me, created January 2024

Up Next…

These are topics of interest for me in the future, akin to puzzle pieces waiting to find their place.

(1-2 weeks before the due date)

• 📚 I found a fiction novel that might give further perspective of this phenomenon once I get my hands on a copy. Hiraeth: A bold journey of longing and survival by Jennifer Leigh Pezzano. The description holds some keywords that resonate: [“...unfolding into nature, the wilderness inside us, and the magic hidden beneath. Hiraeth is a bold journey of longing and survival, the unbroken perseverance of love, and the resilient heartbeat of the human spirit.”]

• 🫠 I noticed my homesickness has shifted deeper into my womb rather than lingering in my chest—a tangible indication that labour might be near! Interestingly, when I experience early labor pains, I find a strange sense of satisfaction, as the physical discomfort allows me to externalize the emotional turmoil. The emotional pain has been so intense that the physical sensation serves as a sweet release.

• 🗣️ Recently, I came across a compelling video by Matias Destefano centered around the concept of Expression. He suggests that expression serves as a release of tension held within. One key insight that resonated with me was his interpretation of the term "depression," derived from the Latin roots "de," meaning downward or away from, and "pression," indicating pressure. As I reflect on this, I realize that maybe all the compressed energy within me seeks an outlet for expression. Even writing my thoughts in Act I proved to ease the emotional pains for a while.

• ❤️ It's worth noting that I recently continued journaling—a practice I aim to prioritize this year. In documenting my thoughts, I designated "LOVE" as my theme for 2024. This choice feels fitting, considering my homesickness appears intertwined with themes of love. I anticipate that many of my realizations will revolve around this concept subconsciously.

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Over the past few weeks, a myriad of insights have converged, solidifying my understanding of what I consider to be my truth. This emotion I'm experiencing is a vital part of my journey, and I embrace it wholeheartedly. It's a valid experience that I am determined to navigate and grow from. Join me for my final reflections before I bring this baby into the world. Stay tuned...

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