The Case of Feeling Homesick: Act III
The truth is found in the magic!
Before Childbirth: Accepting the Unknown
As I open up to more possibilities of reason, I also willingly admit that we can’t always find reason in everything. What can’t be explained in its entirety is MAGIC. The more we define the magic as something, the more limited the possibilities are due to our egoic understanding.
If you’re just coming across this series now, you might be interested in reading about how I got here:
The Case of Feeling Homesick: Act I
The Case of Feeling Homesick: Act II
To recap, I’m exploring a reoccuring emotion of extreme sadness that doesn’t quite resonate as depression or other like terms. Here I call it “homesick.”
This emotion—I've tossed around numerous theories to decipher its root cause, seeing if any would stick, and in my opinion, they all do… at least they all did at some point in this strange experience. But I’m going to simplify the cause to its foundational essence.
It’s pregnancy.
The transition from one stage of life to stepping into a whole new world (can also be referred to as matrescence ). It's the labor pains of shedding our old selves and birthing who we are destined to become, symbolized by the stages of childbirth.
All of this falls under the umbrella of transition.
Transition is synonymous with the unknown, which is precisely why not everything can be neatly explained. My experiences have guided me through this realm of uncertainty, as I've discerned familiar patterns along the way. This has led me to believe that all my theories play a role in this transition. Yet, childbirth transcends mere explanation—it's pure magic. Just listen to any mother recount the spontaneous love experienced after months of changes and hours or even days of labour pains. It's the essence of maternal instinct taking form, and many first-time mothers would willingly experience it all over again.
From a spiritual perspective, the magic lies in bringing forth a soul from the unknown—a phenomenon that transcends our earthly understanding. Whether you perceive the process originating from the ether, cosmic realms, or the divine, it involves the manifestation of a physical body through the mother's womb, birthing life from an egg that remains invisible to the naked eye. You don't necessarily need to adhere to a specific religious belief to recognize childbirth as the profound miracle that it is—and it unfolds worldwide, every single day.
The transition experienced by soon-to-be mothers will vary from one individual to another. This diversity underscores the lack of comprehensive and consistent information about pregnancy. In my case, this transition manifested as an emotion. My intuition still whispers that it's an aspect of LOVE I’ve never experienced—The most limitless emotion there is, transcending the constraints of time and space.
Intuitively, I sense that everything I needed to shed from my previous self before childbirth has already occurred, and now I must allow the waves to pass through me mindfully—a practice that will serve me well during labour! Hence, why I believe that time is the only healer at this moment, as I am just a week away from my due date.
Am I Ready?
Before conceiving, I reached out to the universe with a heartfelt wish: that I would become pregnant when the time was right, in divine timing. It was crucial for me to ensure that I had addressed the generational trauma I needed to process before embarking on this journey, so as not to pass it along to my child (if that’s how karma works). I went through numerous trials to overcome this trauma.
To loosely describe it, it was fear, intertwined with religion, and resulted in repetitive negative thoughts and behaviors. Severing ties with close friends and family members was a challenging task, especially while striving to maintain love, forgiveness, and understanding in my heart without losing myself further in the process.
But when I found out I was pregnant, I knew. I was ready for the wild currents taking me to motherhood.
I find myself recalling the movie, Finding Nemo. Marlin, despite his apprehension, navigated the uncharted waters motivated by the love for his son. However, when advised to trust the East Australian Current (EAC) that would lead him directly to his son, he faced a pivotal decision: to trust the ride of the current or to turn away. This moment encapsulates the most intense aspect of the unknown—it propels you far and fast. This was the leap of faith that Marlin ultimately embraced.
“Trust,” I hear being called to me.
Childbirth is inevitable at this point, but I feel that since I made that wish to the point of giving birth, this is the current, the transition, the unknown. Once I’m on the other side, instant relief!
After Childbirth: My Truth
As I reflect on the whirlwind of emotions and experiences following the birth, I find myself marveling at the intensity and depth of motherhood. The busyness was palpable, from the moment I gave birth to the flurry of tasks that followed – messaging friends and family, navigating the NICU, conversing with medical professionals, learning the intricacies of breastfeeding, and grappling with the reality of having a baby.
Stress. Love. Adrenaline. I reached a point where my body could no longer contain the surge of emotions. My body was seizing with electric shocks running up my back. My husband only massaged my shoulders for 10 seconds when he triggered uncontrollable tears from my eyes! It was in that moment of vulnerability that I realized the profound significance of hormones – not just as biochemical messengers, but as facilitators of emotional release and adjustment.
As I settled into my body and focused on positive affirmations, I came to understand the source of my intense emotions – It IS love! The feeling of homesickness that had plagued me was, in truth, a longing for the profound connection and love I felt for my baby girl.
In the midst of this emotional roller coaster, I found solace in creative expression and the act of sharing it with others. It dawned on me that my constant need to create and express myself was not merely a creative impulse, but a means of channeling and managing the overwhelming love that filled my heart.
In transitioning into motherhood, I observed the humble quality in myself again of PRAYING to a higher power and seeking help in moments of vulnerability. Whether in the agony of labour, the miracle of birth, or the challenges of postpartum, I found strength in surrendering control of the journey. A fine reminder in any chapter of the human experience.
Let my will be God’s will.
This may just be my double mission – to nurture and care for my child, and to spread love and positivity to those around me. Each day brings new challenges and revelations, but through it all, I am guided by the profound love that binds me to my daughter and to the world.
...And just as I think I've learned all that I can from my encounters with this emotion of "homesick," a new term crosses my path:
Dysphoric Milk Ejection Reflex (D-MER) sheds light on the emotional challenges encountered during pregnancy and postpartum, particularly in the context of breastfeeding, pumping, or experiencing letdown. It offers valuable insights into the intricate interplay between hormones and mood during these stages.
Oxytocin, often referred to as the "love hormone," plays a central role in breastfeeding, triggering contractions of the uterus and promoting bonding between mother and baby. However, for some mothers (including me!), the release of oxytocin can also result in dysphoria due to a decrease in dopamine levels.
So although I still experience such emotion after giving birth, contrary to my prior belief, the duration of its presence is significantly shorter and more predictable during this phase of matrescence.
In Conclusion:
The complexity of both hormonal fluctuations and the flow of intense love can be explained as intertwined factors contributing to the homesick feeling.
On one hand, hormonal fluctuations, particularly oxytocin and dopamine, can influence emotional states such as feelings of sadness or dysphoria, as seen in conditions like D-MER. These fluctuations may amplify or distort emotional experiences, leading to a sense of homesickness or longing.
On the other hand, the intense love experienced by new mothers for their infants can also evoke profound emotional responses. This love is often described as a powerful bond or connection that transcends physical distance, fostering a deep sense of attachment and longing when separated from the infant, as seen in homesickness.
Therefore, the homesick feeling that I experience may arise from the intricate interplay between hormonal changes affecting emotional regulation and the profound love and attachment experienced by the mother towards her baby. Both factors contribute to the complex emotional landscape of the postpartum period, highlighting the multifaceted nature of maternal experiences.